I know I’m a neurotic mom. I try to hide it well. Sometimes I’m really good at that, other times not so much. Now, I’m not saying if I ran with every neurotic thought that runs screaming into my noggin that my monkeys would end up living in plastic bubbles. Even I will admit I’m not THAT bad. Besides, I couldn’t really fit those in my highest safety rating family vehicle.

The monkeys are now 6 and almost 5 and rather bright lil girls. I know they need the room to start exhibiting some independence and I’ve been working on that. I’m all about it at home and in controlled environments and had been really proud about branching out. Over the summer I began to allow them to go into public bathrooms on their own. Meaning, I stand right outside the main bathroom door and they go in together, do what they need to do and come out. Until this past Tuesday, I thought this was a great way for them to feel like big girls and still remain safe.

I think it will be a long time before I do that again.

It started with a text from my sister shortly after 6:00pm. She’d ventured to Hobby Lobby and was texting me pictures of all the Christmas stuff they had up. When my alert went off again, expected to see a giant fur-trimmed, bright pink leopard prin stocking. Instead I received franticness. One of those brief moments that occurs that makes you question humanity. Or am I making too much out of it?

Here are the details:

She walked into the clearly labelled ladies room. Straight ahead was the open door to the handicapped stall, so she went in. Standing in the stall was a man peeing. If it were me, I’d have probably gasped and started apologizing. She just quietly backed out (thinking “oh shit I walked in the mens room!”) and went to find a male employee to tell him about the incident.
Now, there are some understandable reasons this may occur. Say, if it were a bar or there was a mental/cognitive handicap of some sort. Unfortunately neither of these were true. In fact this man actually worked for Hobby Lobby in loss prevention. Not only that, it’s his moonlighting job so-to-speak. His real job? Local law enforcement.

So…

A sober, male law enforcement agent walks into a clearly labelled women’s bathroom in a very family-orientated craft store in which he actually works IN LOSS PREVENTION (read he needs to know that store inside and out) and proceeds to leave the door completely open while he whips it out to pee. My almost 5 and 6 year old know the difference between the mens and womens bathrooms. They also know to close and lock the door when they are in a stall.

His response when confronted by my sister and the male employee “I thought I heard someone walk in.” That’s it. No “omg, I’m so sorry, I have no idea how that happened.” No remorse. No apology.

There is nothing in this that tells me this was just an accident. And it beyond creeps me out. I know that if I had been there and the girls had to tinkle, I would have let them go in while I stood outside the door. They would have gone straight to that stall because they could both go in it together. And they would have seen a grown man with his penis in his hand. They would have screamed, I would have run in and that guy would have been knocked the truck out by me. Forget the junkpunch. I would have been in full on mama bear mode. It would not have been pretty.

Am I overreacting? Is the neurotic in me running amuck? Do you think this was just some accident?

HELP! 🙂

I’ve gotten to a point in my life where it truly does take quite a bit to phase me. Most events turn into a tiny dip, lil hill or occasional loop de loop on the roller coaster that is my life. This latest one is gnawing at me a bit though.

It’s at times like these that I wished events in my life were made up. Partially because then they wouldn’t be real. Partially because it is just so bizarre that it would make me pretty damn talented. This is one that combines them both.

I’m having many mixed emotions about moving back to the town I grew up in. It’s only been a week so they are all still very fresh. This is a town I swore I’d never live in. A town I loathed for many reasons. Funny how life works out.

So, this past Friday night I’m getting ready to go out and I notice an e-mail notification pop up for a new message in my Facebook inbox. It’s from a girl I’ve known for years. Decades even. Like basically since the 1st grade. Despite being really close (like BFF forget passing notes, we had a notebook we’d pass) a couple years after graduation we lost touch off and on. We’ve kept in spotty contact for the last five or six years. Even this last year on Facebook, our contact remains pretty here and there. It’s been a couple of months since we’ve really had some solid interaction with each other. When I saw the “OMG too funny” subject, I fully expected the message to be a “Ha ha I heard you moved back!” kind of thing. Oh how I wish it was. Instead I got:

“Hey Nat. . .
*** and I are getting divorced, and we are both on evenfreaksneedlove.com. I just logged onto his account. .i like to help him find dates, and I just saw he winked at you!!! OMG too funny. He is (Insert user name here), his pic is bad, he is cuter in person. And the greatest guy!!! btw i am dating girls now, so that kindof was a problem for our marriage. lol Anyway, thought it was super funny, and if you are lookin for a great guy. . he winked.

BFFKindOfFriendYou’veKnownSinceFirstGrade

WHAT THE FUCK!!?!??!??!! Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

I think I read it like three times before it truly started to sink in. Holy range of emotions batgirl!

Ok…

1) Usually one would get more of an ease into things. Maybe not so much on the divorce part. I think even I’m guilty of dropping that one like a “Yeah, Prick is an abusive fuck and I’m done” kind of bomb. But, the lesbian part is usually not quite sammiched between “BTW” and “LOL.” Truth be told, not an entire shock she’s batting for the home team. Also, she knows me well enough to know I’m the gal that’s going to be supportive and all about whatever makes her happy. Still, lil bit of an ease in to all this is all a sister is askin’ for.

2) Not yet divorced and helping him find dates. That’s…ummm…sweet? Perhaps it is the therapist in me, but they’ve been together far longer than my ex & I were and have kids as well. Now, I don’t really know him, so I could be way off on this, but after years and kids and being told you ain’t sportin’ the right equipment, there’s gotta be some healing time involved there. Even if he wants to jump back on a mare- she’s a new lesbian. Do you really want a rookie pickin’ dates for you?

C) WHY WOULD I WANT YOUR HUSBAND?? There may be a sub clause I’m missing in the chick rule book about suddenly jumping off the heterosexual ship but OMG NO! Beyond creepy!! Beyond wrong!! Like I’m calling a technical foul here! And what the hell must you think of me if you feel I’d be all up on that????

Perhaps I should simply be flattered by this whole situation. Lord knows I am no angel and certainly no prude. But leapin’ jeebus on a pogo stick, even I have a threshold of yuckyness. This done sprinted its happy ass right on past it.

And how does one respond to that message?? My first response of “Are you out of your fucking mind???” was put on the back burner while I let this all sink in and fester a bit. Instead I opted for a much more politely worded version of “WOW. Sorry to hear about your divorce. Congrats on embracing your inner lesbian. The offer to date your husband is very flattering but I’m gonna have to pass because umm.. I’m kinda seeing someone. Yeah. That’s it. Best of luck to ya both. I’m here if you need me, but forgive me for not winking back. What a small, crazy, fucked up lil world we live in.”

Still haven’t heard back from her. Future reunions shall be interesting.

So, if you’ve been brave enough to tackle some of my other posts, you may have stumbled upon my one regarding online dating. As promised, here is specimen number one in the line of freaks…

It was late when I set up my profile on the dreaded online dating site. When done, I left it in the hands of the powers that be, logged out and went sleepy nigh. Admittedly, I was excited when my e-mail in the morning revealed to me that someone had actually sent me a message on there. Perhaps I was wrong about my Crazy Cat Lady in Training theory… hee hee oh silly, silly girl I was.

I pulled up the site, logged in and clicked on my inbox with much anticipation. Greeting me was the following:

Dear UberDorkGirl-

I have been on freakssneedlove2.com for awhile now and most of the profiles read exactly the same. I found your’s different and I like that. I feel we have many things in common and would like to meet for a cup of coffee. Please let me know when you would be available to do so.

Fondly,
George

Incase you were wondering, yes, the name of the site and the person’s name was changed cuz I’m feeling gracious thusfar. Not gracious enough to correct his grammatical/spellinng error though.

First thought was “hmmm… a bit forward on going out for coffee right away, but assertiveness can be nice. Especially when you factor in I’m a total dork on making any kind of first move when it comes to this kind of thing. Yup, believe it or not, I get shy when it comes to members of the opposite sex. I know, it’s shocking. I’ll give you a moment to recover from the revelation that I actually am shy in one facet of my life.

Better now? Ok… so I check out his profile. It’s kinda boring and I’m not seeing the big connection, but you have to start somewhere and maybe describing oneself is hard even for an assertive coffee inviter. Then I notice “Location- Houston, TX.” WTF? Seriously?? I go back through the profile over and over looking for some sentence that states “Moving back to WI.” Nada. At this point, I’m thinkin’ “and away we go.”

Back to inbox. Hit reply. What can I say, I’m courteous.

Dear George,

Thank you for your interest. However, as you live in Texas and I live in Wisconsin, it would seem that cup of coffee would be a difficult task to accomplish. I wish you much luck in finding somone in your area that you may ask the same question to.

Have a nice day.

UberDorkGirl

Not letting this deter me, I begin poring over profile after profile of people the site feels I may be compatible with. I get two profiles in, wherein I realize there must be a built in smoking crack factor on their part, when I get a notice I have a new e-mail. Wow. I’m doing pretty good here… until I realize it’s a reply from George. I click on it, expecting to find some sort of gratuitous , thank you for the reply. Nope. What I found was this…

But I spend most of my time in the UK, specifically Leeds.

One sentence of insanity. He managed to stump even me. Actually, I thought of MANY things to reply to my new freak George, but I refrained. I simply left it be.

Maybe I should go back and send:

Dear George,

Thank you for popping my online dating freak cherry. Enjoy Leeds, I hear it’s lovely this time of year.

UberDorkGirl