This last year and all of the craziness that went with it was hard. It was also wonderful and amazing. But, shit did get crazy hard. Being under constant attack by someone who is hellbent on making your life miserable for absolutely no logical reason will take its toll. I endured it without any response to them. Not one reaction to them about all of the messed up flustercluckery they rained down. It was surprisingly hard. The reason I say surprisingly is that I generally don’t stand up for myself. I will smile and take copious amounts of verbal excrement without responding in kind. Then I will take a deep breath and try to let it all go. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. But, tonight I didn’t do that.
Tonight I had someone pop up out of the blue raging about some nonsense that I had zero to do with. Normally I would apologize, even though I had nothing to do with what happened. Instead, I let them know I had no idea what they were talking about and wished them a good night. They then brought up some drama and began to spin a tale in which I should somehow be indebted to them. Indebted to them for things they didn’t even do. I didn’t smile and nod.
I did take a deep breath. Then I corrected them. I called them on everything, gently but firmly. I wished them well but made it quite clear that I was in no way indebted to them for anything. I sent them away with hugs and hopes for happiness. And then they really lost their damned mind.
Which I could care less about. It felt REALLY good to get it out. It felt REALLY good to say “nope, I do not think that means what you think that means.” It felt REALLY good to not let them bathe me in undue guilt. It felt REALLY good to truly stand up for me and still be all Namaste. In the last year of craziness, I learned a thing.
Some people may call it a lesson learned. But, this is more of a epiphany or shakabuku. Either way, what started as a slow discovery has hit hard. You know when you know something but it doesn’t quite sink in to your bones far enough for it to be a permanent part of you? Well, that moment that it gets engrained, burned into your psyche, that’s the important stuffs. Combine it with when you realize what you truly need to do with that and make the commitment to do so and you got yourself a shakabuku. (I like shakabuku because it’s so fun to say. )
Often times we accept things about ourselves and that’s that. Sometimes we really need to understand the why, the how and the impact that these things have on us and those around us or that are an important part of our lives. Take it back to the root and then keep digging. Why keep digging? You can pluck something out that you don’t like about yourself and replant something new there. But, sometimes the roots of it are really good, they actually just need to be stronger. So, ya gotta dig, ya dig?
There have been a few events lately that have built up to all of this. When I needed to, I lacked the ability to really explain myself properly. Rather than having the sense to say “I don’t know, let me figure it out please” I stumbled through what I thought it was. Describing a sort of reflex I’d somewhat gotten accustomed to as being part of me. A reflex that I now realize that wasn’t truly a bad thing, but also wasn’t a good thing either. Kind of one of those “the road to Hell is paved with good intentions” things. I don’t want that anymore. Ever.
I am the first one to freely admit I am flawed and proclaim myself forever a work in progress. There are no perfect people in this world, but I should constantly strive to be the best me that I can be. I’ve clearly been slacking on that. It was staring at the aftermath of the aforementioned events that it all hit me.
Some basic truths about me:
1. I truly love to help other people. It’s not motivated in any way by wanting people to like me or wanting anything at all in return. The reason is a two-parter. The first one being that I have been through some pretty rough situations in my life and many of them I did so on my own. While I appreciate the strength that it has given me, a part of me has wanted to do what I could to make sure others had help when faced with something, be it good or bad, that they needed help with. The second being that I really believe we are all on this crazy, wonderful ride called life together and should cut each other some slack and lend a hand when able. When people ask for help, 99% of the time, my reaction is one of those reflexes I have- I say yes and run full force into helping them out. Like an excited puppy dog.
2. I have a propensity of putting everyone else first. Being a giver is a part of me that I’ve always been proud of. When it comes to needs, wants, desires, time, what have you- I will put someone else’s before mine far too often. Again, reflex.
3. I have difficulty setting and keeping boundaries. I’ve worked on this and have gotten a lot better on it, but I still have so far to go. If someone crosses a line when it comes to someone I care about, I can fiercely defend that boundary for them. In a heartbeat. But, I fail to apply that to myself far too often. Someone will test a boundary and now there are times where I can point out the boundary and mark it out for them. “Don’t cross here please.” Then I inevitably feel bad when they are being nice and allow them to put their toe on that line again. It’s even worse when they are friends. I’ve tried to get better at that, but I still have issues completely severing unhealthy friendships.
When you combine these three together, while I’ve always believed they are good traits to have, they can lead to a lot of problems.
The problem with reflexes is this- while they can be life saving if they are healthy reflexes, they have the ability to do the opposite when they are not healthy ones. As I stare at that dreaded aftermath, it is far too obvious the damage that can truly be done.
In the past, the biggest detriment of these reflexes was I’d get completely burnt out and/or get my feelings hurt. Well, when you look at all three of them and the thought processes I had been using, it all came down to – well it was just me being affected by being burnt out or hurt so that’s not that bad. Right? Sooooo wrong. Even if it is just me, those in my life that care about me are affected no matter what. I don’t want to see someone I care about burnt out or hurt. It’s time I accept that others may not want to see me that way either.
When an excited puppy takes off running, they trip, they fall, they knock things over, they see a shiny and start running in a new direction which means accidentally forgetting the original direction and sometimes they flat-out run right into traffic. Whether they mean to or not, they can leave quite the path of destruction behind them.
It’s time for me to learn to take a deep breath, calm the fuck down and think things through THOROUGHLY. How will this affect me? How will it affect those closest to me?
It’s okay to put me first. In fact, if I want to keep the things I like about me, keep those most important to me in my life, I have to. I am no good to anyone a stressed out, burnt out ball of hurt. I may be good at hiding it, but that doesn’t last long. And I’m definitely no good to those I care about if my reflexes hurt them.
It’s okay for me to say no. I’ve been good at it when it is something that affects my core values, well my values need to start with me valuing me a lot more. It’s okay to completely end relationships, friendships, what have you when they are not healthy. It’s okay and important for me to explain myself clearly to them as to what they are doing, how they are affecting me and that if they continue to do so that I can no longer continue to have them in my life. I will never like hurting someone else’s feelings (and I do believe that has always been the big factor- not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings) but I can’t keep putting other people’s feelings before mine. My feelings should be just as important to me.
This has been a lot for me to digest and really hard for me to openly declare. Balancing my new found me-ness is going to be a bit of a learning process. I will inevitably stumble and trip and may still take off running all excited at times. While I am strengthening these roots, this flower is going to be a bit wonky. Okay, more wonky than usual. This flower will always be flawed. And that’s okay. But, in the end, it will still be even stronger and more beautiful.
When you look at it from afar- life really is a garden and in it, we are all flowers. Each one of us beautifully flawed in our own way.
“Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.” ~ The Dad in Juno 🙂
